Three Steps to Receiving Love when We Aren't Used to It

We are wired to seek secure, dependable love. Attachment theory describes this instinct as deeply rooted in our biology.  And yet for many of us, receiving expressions of love from a romantic partner may feel downright uncomfortable.  

We cope with the discomfort as best we can. We change the subject or laugh awkwardly. Perhaps we muddle through a thank you and turn inward.  

When we have an attachment history of unpredictable affection from a parent or previous partner,  accepting tenderness may be intertwined with memories of sadness, rejection, or fear.

So what to do when receiving love feels a bit daunting?  

Here are three steps you can practice:

1. Notice what feelings come up when a partner expresses love.  

Do you feel overwhelmed, fearful, or anxious? No need to fix the feelings. Just notice.

Now, observe what thoughts come up. Thoughts might include: “I don’t deserve love,” “I’m not good enough,” or “They might say they love me now, but wait ‘til they really know me!”  

Again, no need to fix. Your only job is to notice the story you are telling yourself.

2. Gently acknowledge to yourself that this “receiving love” thing is tough.  

Think of what you might say to a close friend-- now say that to yourself! Examples of compassionate self-talk: “This feels scary,” “You’ve been through a lot so this feels uncomfortable,” or even, “You feel overwhelmed right now and that’s okay.” Research shows that self-compassion is not self-indulgence. Rather, it helps us think more clearly and connect with others.

3. When you’re ready, and if you feel safe, share the feelings and thoughts that you’ve noticed with your partner.  

Let them know that receiving love isn’t so simple for you. Invite them to have a conversation about how you’d like to feel when receiving loving words or actions. Do you hope to feel more calm, less anxious, or more joy?  

Brainstorm with your partner. How can they support you to more comfortably receive their love? If you’re not ready to say it all out loud (and that’s just fine!), try journaling or keeping notes on your phone as a first step toward a conversation.

Notice → Self-Compassion → Journal → Share.

You got this.

Warmly,

Jenny

Three Things You Can Do Right Now to Make a Beginning Easier.

Hi loves,

It’s that time again. The “Things Are Beginning Again" time. We watch Summer collect its things and trail sand around the house. Fall is pacing outside.    

A new school year. New job. New plans. Transitions. New feelings. Finding ways to say goodbye. 

You may have questions.

Will I feel safe (in this new place)?

Will I find people who care about me (in a real way)?

Will my new job/school/role provide me with a better life?

If you’re feeling a bit ungrounded today, let’s look at what we can do right now.

1. Play that favorite song of yours. Full volume. Sing it or dance it. Move your body like an octopus. Or imagine you are an octopus. It’s okay to laugh.

2. Write a real, pen-to-paper letter to yourself. Take 10 minutes (or even five). What do you want YOU to know about feeling anxious, excited or hopeful right now? Sign the letter. Fold the paper in half, and then again. Stick the letter in the bottom of your purse or wallet. Let it surprise you when you find it a week or month or year later. 

3. Call/ text / Skype someone who makes you feel anchored when floating. If that person hasn’t appeared in your life just yet, imagine what this person might say. Imagine her face. “Everything will be okay,” she says, looking at you. And she means it.

With love,

Jenny

If you're feeling the need for some extra support during a transition, you can reach me at (510) 361-0346 for a free, initial 15-minute phone session.  Or send me a message at jenniferdiamondbayarea@gmail.com. 

Why Self-Compassion is Not Self-Indulgence

 “I’m so much nicer to everyone but myself.” 

 “I would never be so harsh with someone I loved.”

“I would never be this mean to a friend.” 

I hear these words from clients, friends and strangers. It's hard to be gentle with ourselves. But why?  

Self-compassion may feel strange or self-indulgent. We believe that if we don't yell at ourselves, things won’t get done right. There will be deadlines missed. Tasks half-finished.  

We believe we won't be enough.  

So let's look at the research. Dr. Kristin Neff is a leading expert on self-compassion and self-esteem. She explains that when we sharply criticize ourselves, we fire up our “fight or flight” system—the system that tells us we are under threat. 

Our bodies frantically pump more adrenaline and cortisol. Anxiety shoots up, and over time, so do feelings of sadness.  

We attack ourselves at our most vulnerable. Criticizing ourselves backfires.    

The good news is that self-compassion works differently. Neff's research indicates that compassionate self-talk actually reduces cortisol levels. Our bodies pump something much more soothing—the "hug hormone" known as oxytocin. 

Self-compassion allows us to think more clearly, connect more easily with others and produce our best work.  

***

You can take a self-compassion break. This very moment, with me. 

Exercises courtesy of Dr. Kristin Neff at self-compassion.org

First, think of a situation in your life that is difficult or painful. Feel where the stress is heavy in your body. Notice how you’re breathing. 

Say to yourself: This hurts. Right now, this hurts. 

Put your hands over your heart. Close your eyes. Listen to your breathing again.  This is mindfulness. 

Say to yourself: May I be kind to myself.  

May I give myself the compassion that I need in this moment. 

May I forgive myself.

You can practice anytime, anywhere.  

Wishing you moments of self-compassion and warmth,

Jenny