Listening to Your Body: a Three-Minute Exercise

Dear Ones,

It's the day after another trauma. You’ve been watching the news and scrolling through your phone. Reading posts about victims, fear, guns, hurricanes, motives.  You keep scrolling – you want answers, of course – and yet, your body asks for something softer.

The body holds pain that we try to push away. We do it every day. Sometimes, all day long. 

For the next three minutes, let’s listen to your body.

Take a seat on the floor. Put a pillow or blanket beneath you. 

Take your hand. Press it to your chest. Feel the warmth of your body.

Begin to breathe.  This is where your heart lives.  

What do you feel? Maybe a tightness. A sharp pain. A dull aching. A numbness. 

When you locate it -- and trust that you will know when -- stay here a moment longer.

Keep filling your belly with air, with space.  

On your in-breath, “I allow.”

On your out breath, “I am not alone.” 

Again.

Repeat until you feel your heartbeat slow. Until you feel your chest release, even a tiny opening. 

If you feel emotions rise up, know you are okay. In this moment, somewhere, someone’s breath is synced with yours. 

With love,

Jenny

“English Major? What are You Gonna Do with That?”

Holidays can be wonderful. Lights and fireplaces and Cinnamon-Infused Everything. They can also be quite uncomfortable and may require a large helping of self-soothing. 

So, from my holiday heart to yours, please accept these self-compassionate, pre-scripted answers to well-meaning questions. You get to choose your level of vulnerability. You get to choose your boundaries. 

Darling, bring on the holidays. 

1.  Any new boyfriend/girlfriend we should know about?

Say to self: “It’s okay that you don’t have a partner. You are loved by many. Take a deep breath. Lift your head. You, my dear, are fabulous on your own.”

Say out loud:  “No.”  (*Please note there are no shame-filled responses to be found here.)

2.  So, when are you having a couple of kids like (insert name of sibling or friend)?

Say to self: “You are just fine. Take a deep breath. Lift your head. You, my darling, are lovely as you are-- with or without children.”

Say out loud: “Kids? Hmm, not now.”

3.  How’d your job search go?

Say to self: “It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about this. It’s okay if you feel angry or sad. Remember to breathe. Lift that head. You, my dear, are on your journey. 

Say out loud: “Went well (or was difficult or whatever word fits for you), thank you for asking.” 

4.  Job Part II:  So, what are you really passionate about?

Say to self: “You can take a deep, slow breath. Maybe one or two more. You, my darling, are finding your way-- passionately.”

Say out loud:  “So many things.” 

5.  English major?  What are you gonna you do with that?

Say to self: “It’s okay that you did/are doing what makes you happy. It’s okay to feel irritated right now. You, my dear, have all the words on your side.”

Say out loud:  “Anything and everything!”  (*It’s okay to smile when you say this.)

With love and cinnamon,

Jenny

Why Self-Compassion is Not Self-Indulgence

 “I’m so much nicer to everyone but myself.” 

 “I would never be so harsh with someone I loved.”

“I would never be this mean to a friend.” 

I hear these words from clients, friends and strangers. It's hard to be gentle with ourselves. But why?  

Self-compassion may feel strange or self-indulgent. We believe that if we don't yell at ourselves, things won’t get done right. There will be deadlines missed. Tasks half-finished.  

We believe we won't be enough.  

So let's look at the research. Dr. Kristin Neff is a leading expert on self-compassion and self-esteem. She explains that when we sharply criticize ourselves, we fire up our “fight or flight” system—the system that tells us we are under threat. 

Our bodies frantically pump more adrenaline and cortisol. Anxiety shoots up, and over time, so do feelings of sadness.  

We attack ourselves at our most vulnerable. Criticizing ourselves backfires.    

The good news is that self-compassion works differently. Neff's research indicates that compassionate self-talk actually reduces cortisol levels. Our bodies pump something much more soothing—the "hug hormone" known as oxytocin. 

Self-compassion allows us to think more clearly, connect more easily with others and produce our best work.  

***

You can take a self-compassion break. This very moment, with me. 

Exercises courtesy of Dr. Kristin Neff at self-compassion.org

First, think of a situation in your life that is difficult or painful. Feel where the stress is heavy in your body. Notice how you’re breathing. 

Say to yourself: This hurts. Right now, this hurts. 

Put your hands over your heart. Close your eyes. Listen to your breathing again.  This is mindfulness. 

Say to yourself: May I be kind to myself.  

May I give myself the compassion that I need in this moment. 

May I forgive myself.

You can practice anytime, anywhere.  

Wishing you moments of self-compassion and warmth,

Jenny